The Lady Who Lost Herself 

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“A Montrouge- Rosa La Rouge”

Henri Toulouse-Lautrec

 

1.

she sips on her second glass of red wine

the excitement of the bar softens 

as she feels

the softness of the liquid flowing over her lips 

the richness coating her mouth

she takes her final sip

savouring the ample flavour

she stands up, ready to leave 

suddenly face to face with him

she’d never seen such a fair man 

his eyes

a swirling pot of warm honey

she was 

struck

2.

she greets him in front of the restaurant

trying to push away her frustration from the past hour

running around her room nearly in a sweat 

deciding which dress to put on 

to make him yearn for her 

to take it off 

they sit down at a table

she feels her nerves from the past hours 

ease  

as their night begins

they discuss their luck 

of the newly-formed line outside the restaurant

that they

beat

3.

they had never fought like this before

she didn’t understand what she did wrong

were they speaking two different languages? 

his lips were moving but she didn’t know 

if any sound was coming out

she felt like she was watching a movie of themselves

this couldn’t be them fighting

they loved each other

she wish she hadn’t said anything

her mind was drowning in 

regrets and remorse

she didn’t recognize the man in front of her

the eyes she had once fallen in love with

were now filled with hatred 

she knew that like their other fights

this one was certainly her fault

he made that clear

when he held her against the wall

as he 

howled

 

4.

he apologized

always

she would convince herself that she was lucky

that she had such a remorseful man

one that could learn from his mistakes

but inside her broken soul

she felt as though

she was the mistake 

how else could such a perfect man become so 

different

he only became that way with her

when she closed her eyes for too long

she could re-live each battle

it must be her fault he would get so angry

if she’d just learn to do as he said

sit quietly

look pretty

maybe she wouldn’t have to 

suffer 

 

5.

she’d wake up

not knowing the fine line between

dreams and reality

she was reliving each day

over and over

a routine of all her mistakes 

adding up to what she deserved

she was lost in a nightmare

unable to pinch herself

to wake up

she couldn’t forget anymore

with every night’s battle engraved onto her body

each morning

greeting the new additions of his rage 

imprinted on her

flesh

3 thoughts on “The Lady Who Lost Herself 

  1. Wow, what a powerful, disturbing and oh so sad piece of writing. This will strike a huge chord with anyone who’s been in a coercive relationship. A very frightening place to be. On the creative writing topic, have you tried using a picture, like Hopper’s Nighthawks or The Automat to stimulate a stream of consciousness piece of first person creative writing. You become the woman in the picture as you develop your thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams. It’s so immediate! Put your pen on the paper and just write, ignoring punctuation, spelling, grammar etc. It’s a fab exercise in spontaneous, original writing. Give it a try and surprise yourself! Love, Jane x

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